The Great Osama Bin Laden
From: Bin Laden, Osama
To: Team Mates
Subject: The Cave
Hi guys
We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no 'I' in team" as well as the Garfield that says "Hang In There, Baby." Very humorous.
However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns. First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the carpet dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation,(a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily, I've done my bit on the cleaning rota...........have you?
I've posted a sign up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).
Second: It's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare most of the world population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing. Just while we're taping. Thanks.
Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea Slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.
Fourth: I'm not against team chanting and all that, but, we must distance ourselves from the Westerner's bat and ball game. Please do not chant "Ossy Ossy Ossy Oi Oi Oi" every time I ride past on the donkey.
Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar, and Dave.
Love you lots, Group Hug.
Os.
PS - I'm sick of having Osama's Bed Linen scribbled on my bed sheets - Cut it out Abdul, not funny anymore.

"The Deist"
Religion's a political law,
Devised by the prigs of the schools,
To keep the rabble in awe,
And amuse poor bigoted fools.
And they for good victuals and bub
Will bellow their nonsense aloud
And can't out a tale of a tub
To frighten the poor ignorant crowd.
Though the apple was but a fib,
Yet he vouches it to be true;
And that Eve was made of a rib,
Pray, gentlemen, what think you?
I pity the flogging old shaver,
Who pretends he does miracles show,
And makes flesh and blood out of a wafer
A baker has just made the dough.